January 25, 2005

Nervous

If all goes as planned, I'll be starting in 13 days. I had quite a flurry of excitement while I was researching pumps and choosing the right one for me (Minimed Paradigm 515). I was even irritated over having to wait a Whole Three Weeks for my pump start.

Now I feel differently. I'm still up for it, etc., but I'm a little bit wigged out. The name of this blog notwithstanding, I know that pumping isn't gonna be a freakin paradise. I'm not sure I have the energy for another major lifestyle change, following so closely on the heels of the diagnosis, which was 3 months ago this week. Last week, I was sure that I did have that energy, and I imagine that next week I will be again. But today, hmm.

The thing is, it's still diabetes, period. I can't research or purchase myself out of it. Ever. And that, on harder days, is more than a little depressing.

I've gone through a gradual transition at work, letting certain people know as needed about my disease. It's gone okay, mostly, and I think I'm ready for the sometimes-more-visible aspects of the pump. But still I'm afraid. It takes a lot of energy--there's that word again--to talk with people about diabetes. There's enough misinformation out there that the conversation is usually mainly a series of corrections: "Well, I'm sure you'll be able to control it through diet and exercise, that's what my mom does." Actually, no... "You're too thin to have diabetes!" Well, you see... And so on. Which I do NOT mean to sound like sour grapes. People are kind and concerned, which I appreciate very much. And on the flip side, there are a hell of a lot of diseases I know nothing about. It's just the energy it takes, as an introverted person, to talk openly about something so close to my inner self. It's like doing a striptease in the office kitchen.

I guess the gist of all this rambling is that I've opened myself to what are, for me right now, a whole new set of unknowns. And while I'm trying to be brave, I have plenty of qualms. Ack.

1 comment:

  1. I skim a lot of blogs, and so far yours is in the Top 3 of my list of favorites. I'm going to dive in and try my hand at it, so wish me luck.

    It'll be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about diabetes) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about diabetes related articles and subjects.

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